We've been slogging across this massive beach for hours and now we're getting tired – we tried playing I-Spy but everything begins with an 'S' – sand sea sky sand seaweed shells sand sun shadows sand surf seagulls – so we try a different game – now it's I hear with my little ear – and it's something beginning with 'S' – sea – meanwhile it's day 6 of the big Naming-Things Convention 20K BC – a hot sunny day – OK guys it's beach stuff today and I propose everything should begin with an 'S' – Samuel was chair – he hoped they'd get it all done quickly because he'd booked a swimming with dolphins holiday – I propose 'S' he repeated – Xerxes went bananas, leapt to his feet and drew his dagger – you only suggest 'S' because it's your initial – I'm not having it – what's wrong with 'X' – nothing's wrong with 'X' – I'm just suggesting 'S' – well it's unfair and selfish – we already have too many 'S's – and my wife Xena agrees – oh really and where is she now – shopping – where – at the supermarket – she goes every Saturday – sure – yes – I hold her hand – swinging gently – walking slowly – feeling the hot sand slipping in and out of my sandals – glancing at her – watching her eyes – waiting for the right moment – she's dressed in a loose salmon-pink shirt with blue baggy shorts – she stops to move a dead washed-up starfish – gently sliding it with her foot – I stand looking at her grubby suede shoes – thinking, miles away – how am I going to get all this sand out of my nose and throat and ears and eyes – we stroll and after five minutes I reckon it's time – I've got to have a life-changing conversation with you, I whisper – meanwhile at the Swansea Promotion Department Emergency Meeting – Subject – Not Everything Begins With 'S' – they're brainstorming the local beach attractions – wind rocks pebbles shingle (oops) driftwood twigs flotsam jetsam condoms – don't mention the wind – don't mention the condoms – pandemonium – I've trod in a puddle of sewage leaking from a big rusty pipe that cuts across the sand down to the beach where the swimmers swim and the senior-citizens paddle – she reaches into her shoulder bag – gets a tissue and wipes my foot – I fall to my knees and weep like a schoolchild